How do you say goodbye...?

Last night I got the phone call i have been dreading....it was my mom telling me i needed to come to my aunts ~ it wasn't looking good...so i hurried as fast as i could and we went out there, We drove up and there were about 20 cars or more in the drive....people were running out of room to park.... I cried all the way up there....and told Jeff i was scared....I have never watched someone i loved die...He understands all to well cause he has been through this with his dad....he died from cancer when Jeff was 23yrs old. We got there...and I walked in and my uncle whispered to me that if i went over there...and touched her hand...she would open her eyes and look at me...and she could hear me and understand....then my cousin(her daughter who is 14)...came over to me and hugged me and told me not to cry....I had to just walk out....i didn't even make it into the living room.... Jeff walked out behind me and my mom came out there to comfort me also.....might as well say we were all comforting one another.... I said "Mom i can't even bring myself to go in there"....she said take your time...it's ok   Eventually I made myself go in....and I hugged my grandad...and he asked how i was...and i just broke down again... He said he wanted to walk me up there to see my aunt at her bedside.... So he did....I rubbed her hand....and started bawling....she opened her eyes and looked at me...I said I love you...and she just grinned(made my night for sure).... Unless someone talks to her or nudges her to wake her....she sleeps pretty much constant. They said yesterday...the only person she did manage to say anything to was my grandad...she told him she loved him. When my cousin was leaving for school....she said " I love you mom"....and my aunt was trying to say it..but couldn't...and my cousin said..."Mom you don't have to tell me...I already know"   =(

I am having a really hard time you guys....I never in my life thought i would have to go through something like this. The house was packed with about 40 family and friends.... We prayed....and some sang some church songs my aunt always liked....one was "Be not Afraid".... that song always tears at my heartstrings.... We sang the Our Father and all joined hands....

Her temp. has been up to 101...and she is only breathing 8 times in aminute....she will take a couple breaths...and pause....then a couple more and so on. Hospice said yesterday....they figure she has just a few days. I talked to mom awhile ago...and she said she's afraid she may not make it through the night.... I was a mess at work this morning...my boss asked if i needed to go home....but i stuck it out...not sure about tomorrow though...depends on everything.

We got home at 11pm last night...I went to sleep at 1am...and was up at 4am.... I just could not rest...Woke up crying...i swear it almost looked like my eyes were swollen shut this mornin. We are fixing to head back up there tonight....I am waiting on Jeff to get his shower....

Thanks so much for all the thoughts and prayers....you all have been giving me....I couldn't ask for better friends....

                                         Hugss..

                                               ~Terri~