~*~*Missing you Judy*~*~
Hey everyone!
Reality is starting to sink in, but I'm still feeling numb ~ I still feel as though I should be able to pick up the phone and call my aunt and she would be there....It hurts so bad to know I will never be able to do that again! At work, it's all I can do to stay busy...listen to my radio...and go on as if life is back to normal....but it isn't...inside my heart is aching....Have you ever felt that way..? Like your heart is REALLY aching...? Not chest pains or nothing...but mine really aches ...the feeling of losing my aunt is almost too much to bare, my heart is broken! In time my heart will heal, the pain will be a lil' easier to bare...and life will go on as usual...it has to....
Nothing will ever be the same again tho, for instance....every christmas we were there on christmas eve...while they were at church...playing "Santa"...it was our tradition....as well as New Years...we were always there celebrating...playing cards, talking...actin goofy...just being us ~ I will cherish the videos I have of all those good times and will enjoy watching them for years to come....but those days will never ever be the same. I'm sorry guys....I am just so down tonight...I need to release all these thoughts and get them off my chest....
I have not went to church regularly since I was 15 years old ~ out of pure laziness...and wanting to rebel against what people wanted me to do...you know how teenagers are....I got out of the habit of going and haven't been back but a few times since....After Jeff and I got married we went for a couple months then slipped away again...I am Catholic...he is Methodist. We both really like the Catholic church we went to though, because the priest speaks on our level and not straight out of the book....he keeps your attention and doesn't bore you. Anyways...for years my aunt didn't preach to me about this, but tried to tell me how important it is to have this in your life...or at least have God in your life.... My faith in God has always been strong....but going to church didn't seem to be on my list of priorities at the time...but throughout my aunts cancer journey....she opened my eyes to many things...without her even knowing. I have decided to try my best to start going to church again....not promising to go every weekend...but hopefully so...I do know my life seems to go better when I do go....I feel better about myself......I only have one regret....That I didn't do this sooner...I know it would have made my aunt so happy and proud! I was talking to another aunt today...and she said "Ohhh Terri...she will still know believe me...and it will make her so happy!" Sorry i'm getting all serious on ya'll tonight...but these are just things weighing my mind...and i'm not going to start preaching in my journal...so no need to stress...or judge me...I don't need any haters out there...lol Everyone has their own beliefs in life...and that is their right....who am I to judge..?
Sooo...on to other news...HAPPY news for a change..
Thanks to Brian @ All The Makings of Insanity
He is Guest Editor this week for AOL...and has chosen me as one of his 5 picks...OMG...I am so excited!
Thanks so much Brian....I was almost speechless when I read that....but you couldn't get that lucky...
Me...?....Speechless..? Nevahhhh... =)~
You really did brighten up my day Brian!
I will give an update tomorrow for any new readers coming my way telling a little about myself...and my life....Joy Joy.....hehe
I would also like to thank those of you who went over to check out my friend Pam's new journal...she will love having readers other than myself....lol
Happy...Sad...Happy ..Sad...I am just filled with emotions today....
Well it's getting late and my happy ass should be in bed by now....5am comes early...BLAH!
Hugss..~Terri~
Im so sorry, I hope the pain goes fast, but the joyful memories will never leave ly cass
ReplyDeleteAwww sweetie, we all know what you're going through. I wish I could reach out and give you a ((((((Terri))))). Ups and downs will be the norm for a while. Then your ups will be more than the downs. :) Congrats on being on the the guest editor's pick. You rock!! I absolutely LOVE that graphic at the top of your entry. Sooo cool. Take care hun.
ReplyDeleteBarb
After my dad passed I had that aching in my chest too....lasted quite a while...myabe a couple of months...but finally went away. It's called anxiety. Heart beating fast, shortness of breath....I know that feeling all too well. It will pass soon Terri. And congrats on being a guest editors pick. Yayyyy for Terri!!!! GBU, Shelly
ReplyDeleteHey Terri Congrats!!
ReplyDeleteAs for feeling like your heart hurts I know that feeling I felt that way for a long time after my MIL passed away I still think of her everyday I loved her so much. It does get easier but they are always there on your mind you still talk to her you know. I'm glad you are talking about your feelings it's part of the grieving process and like I said it does get better. Biggest Hugs, Marina
Hi Terri congratulations on being one of the picks! I know how you feel I lost my uncle but to AIDS and it was a horrible slow death. I will never forget the night that he died. I had been at the hospital all day and at night my mom took me home, I was 17 and very close to home. He was my god father as well. I remember calling the hospital after I got home only to hear that he had passed away. I was in shock hung up the phone and called again and asked for his room. Of course I got the same answer. I was devistated, I knew that he was going to die but I never thought that I was going to have such a horrible feeling inside. I understand your ache. Time does make things more bearable and it does seem to heal some of the pain. It does not take away the fact that I miss him but it makes it a little easier. As far as church goes that is a personal decision that you have to make. I know that it changed my life and it is a wonderful thing. I think your Aunt would look down and know that she touched your heart and be happy.
ReplyDeleteMany Hugs
*Louise*
I know the feeling you are talking about Terri. IT will be a while before it's not all you think about. CONGRATS On being a PIck of the week WOO HOO!!! BIG HUGS XOOX
ReplyDeletethe brother that I was closest to died almost 13 years ago. some days the pain of missing him is as fresh as when he first died. I won't tell you it goes away, it just gets different. One day you may even realize that you made it through the day without thinking of her. do not let that upset you, it is a sign of healing and Judi will want you to heal!
ReplyDeleteBecky
I just found your journal via the Editor's Picks. I offer you my deepest sympathy as I am recently familiar with this type of loss. My sister and nephew were killed in August. I just want to offer you a hug, as I know this pain of which you speak. It's still too new for me, I can't promise it will subside, however I'm told it will. Have faith and hang on to those who offer a shoulder to cry on. Mine is always available...if you need it.
ReplyDeleteKat
Sorry about your aunt. Congrats on being an editor's pick. -Dawn-
ReplyDeleteTerri, do me one favor and never apologize for how you feel. This is a great place for you to let out all your feelings. And hopefully the comments you get help a bit.
ReplyDeleteYour right, nothing will ever be the same. Months from now you will be doing something, having a get together with the family and there will be an emty space where she would be. That hurt, that hurt in your heart never goes away, but does get a little easier to bear over time.
I find myself in those moments when Im missing someone so much that my heart feels like its breaking, I find the best thing to do is go to some quiet place, shut my eyes, feel the wind across my face, the sunshine warming my skin and embracing me. It is those moments when I can block out the world and talk to the people I know are in heaven. And in those moments I know they hear how much Im missing them. Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they don't hear us. And I believe they are watching and she knows about you going to church. Its there too you will probably feel her spirit. Shes watching....
Congrats on being picked. Well deserved!!
~ Jenny
Congrats on being editors pick terri!
ReplyDeleteI know I would love to start getting back into going to church again...
ttyl
<3, emily
Terri, You have a way with words. I love your journal.
ReplyDeleteI know the ache you have for your Aunt. That special person is gone but you have the memories. Hang in there and keep writing so I can keep reading and you do make me laugh.....
I have to get MY sorry ass in to bed
MoodyMyke7@aol.com
Terri, my thoughts and prayers go out to you, at the loss of your Aunt. I haven't read everything, but I read enough to know that you were very close, and this is very heartbreaking for you. God Bless, and take consolation in the windchimes from your friend..what a longlasting and beautiful tribute to her. Everytime you hear the sound of their beautiful tinkling, you will think of her.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on being chosen one of Brians favorite journals, too!! He is one awesome guy.. just wish he would update more! ;P
Hugs to you, and prayers for peace in your heart..
Jackie
Hey, Congrats, Terri....you are an awesome person and have a wonderful journal. What you are feeling right now is the normal grieving process and sucks. Time will take away the constant ache but not the wonderful memories. Hang in there and Congratulations again on being editor's pick! Chris
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